Reason #37 to hit the bottle before dinner: Skipping an afternoon siesta to scrub toilets.
While the debate on drinking and driving is moot, I haven’t heard definitive opinions on walking drunk, so I decided to gather empirical evidence today.
Specimen: Thirty-something female human injected with approximately 17 ounces of Chilean red wine in luteal phase.
Condition 1: Walking to grocery store
- Matching clothes is irrelevant.
- Tummy-tucking is overrated.
- Chirping of birds is distinguishable by species.
- Birds are loud.
- Trees walk into people.
- Breathing is overrated.
- Human bladders are inadequate.
Condition 2: At the grocery store
- Frozen garlic bread looks tasty.
- Frozen garlic bread is sexy.
- Existence is pointless without 4 loaves of frozen garlic bread.
- Public restrooms are proof by example of heaven.
- Alcohol diminishes germ sensitivity.
- Hovering is tricky.
- Checkout clerks in uniform look sexy.
- Toilet paper rolls with floral prints look sexy.
Condition 3: The walk back home
- Skydiving is safer than street crossing.
- 12 pack brews are heavy. Very heavy.
- Toilet paper rolls with floral prints are heavy. Very heavy.
- Anything touching the bladder is heavy.
- A hydrangea bush is useless without a penis.
Conclusion: A single experiment of drunk walking is insufficient to produce statistically significant results. Further testing is required to investigate a hypothesis surrounding its cholesterol-lowering effects in conjunction with consumption of frozen garlic bread and altered perceptions of sexiness.