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Reason #37 to hit the bottle before dinner: Skipping an afternoon siesta to scrub toilets.

While the debate on drinking and driving is moot, I haven’t heard definitive opinions on walking drunk, so I decided to gather empirical evidence today.

Specimen: Thirty-something female human injected with approximately 17 ounces of Chilean red wine in luteal phase.

Control: None


Condition 1: Walking to grocery store

  • Matching clothes is irrelevant.
  • Tummy-tucking is overrated.
  • Chirping of birds is distinguishable by species.
  • Birds are loud.
  • Trees walk into people.
  • Breathing is overrated.
  • Human bladders are inadequate.

Condition 2: At the grocery store

  • Frozen garlic bread looks tasty.
  • Frozen garlic bread is sexy.
  • Existence is pointless without 4 loaves of frozen garlic bread.
  • Public restrooms are proof by example of heaven.
  • Alcohol diminishes germ sensitivity.
  • Hovering is tricky.
  • Checkout clerks in uniform look sexy.
  • Toilet paper rolls with floral prints look sexy.

Condition 3: The walk back home

  • Skydiving is safer than street crossing.
  • 12 pack brews are heavy. Very heavy.
  • Toilet paper rolls with floral prints are heavy. Very heavy.
  • Anything touching the bladder is heavy.
  • A hydrangea bush is useless without a penis.

Conclusion: A single experiment of drunk walking is insufficient to produce statistically significant results. Further testing is required to investigate a hypothesis surrounding its cholesterol-lowering effects in conjunction with consumption of frozen garlic bread and altered perceptions of sexiness.