It appears as though I may finally heave that sigh of relief that comes from having made a decision, but a sigh nevertheless. I’ve decided to work part-time : 3 days @ work, 1 @ home. Yes, Dream Company did pull through for me. I still lose 33 hours of the week with Nibbles, at least 27 of which he will spend awake, playing and tucking one milestone after another under his lil’ belt. But at least the first thing I do when I get home will not be frantically logging in and catching up with e-mails into wee hours of the night, with Nibbles tucked under my breast even if he’s neither hungry nor awake.
This post is supposed to smell of closure, but I’m so mad at Dream Company for questioning my committment towards my career when I suggested part-time. They had the nerve to suggest, jokingly, that perhaps a career in teaching might suit my situation better. I love teaching, but for some reason I wasn’t laughing my ass off at their kind suggestion. What the fuck is up with having to prove myself a gazillion times over? Starting from proving that a girl does not have to sleep with her teaching assistants to pass her computer science major courses, to proving that a very pregnant woman can pull all-nighters and run (ok, waddle) across the trading floor to rollout a critical application ahead of schedule. And now they question my committment because I want one measly day with my Nibbles??? Fuck this shit!
Ok, so I didn’t say “Fuck this shit”, although that’s exactly what I should’ve said while shoving some mean, green dolla bills down their throats. I swallowed the shards of my pride and gushed appropriately when they okayed my part-time request. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have the balls to disappoint everyone by staying at home. Maybe it’s because I know that my post-partum blues are precariously close to a full blown depression and staying at home is guaranteed to accelerate the process.
It sucks that I’m already not Nibbles’ favorite person. Sucks that I can’t be a happy homemaker and nurture my family. It sucks that I need to be away from my Nibbles to be a better mommy to him. But a gal’s gotta do what a gal’s got to do. Now zippit.