Something’s Gotta Give
June 9, 2008I work part-time: 3 days a week for a wall street firm. And 2 of those are from home. Yes, I know what a lucky bitch I am, and the next time I hear that, I swear I’ll hurl the nearest screeching toy that finds its way under my aching feet.
Truth is, its been 3 months (almost) and I haven’t found my groove yet. I still hate the fact that at the end of each day – once the family’s fed, dishes are done and floor is faked clean – I ignore the lonely New Yorker magazine that sits on a untouced pile of fellow New Yorkers, and begin the annoyingly long login process to my work machine. And just when I’ve checked all e-mail (ok, mass deleted all e-mail) and the bloated apps finish loading, Nibbles squirms for a quick nibble. By the time I’m back, totally zoned out and drowsy from the oxytocin rush, the damn session’s kicked me out. This lil’ routine repeats itself till 1ish when the systems decide to back themselves up, thereby completely stalling my sputtering momentum. Then I mope around for an hour or so and fall asleep practising my getting-laid-off speech.
I’m tired of being a charity case. What else am I, in a team that’s brimming with over -achieving type A personalities with laminated career plans? Just a poster child for maternity benefits the firm provides. A sheltered sheep amongst wolves. A sheep that once howled proudly with the rest of the testosteroned pack.
It was bad enough for me to pursue the wrong major, simply because I could and I felt I owed it to womankind. Now I’m saddled with the burden of being the model working mom in IT. I wish I could say, “You picked the wrong chick pals. So long and thanks for all the fish”.
Worst part is, Big Byte takes considerable time off from his work to help out while I chew my fingernails staring at screen. I suppose I could hire a nanny during the day to get some work done – but right now, the thought of someone else hanging out with my kid while I immerse myself in mind-sucking analysis is just not appetizing. I guess I’ll swallow the gruel for a bit longer till I see that neon sign flashing with the answer to Everything (and this time, it ain’t 42).
Biyatch*
sorry! but had to say this….damn I hate you or what?:) I am craving for this work from home but it is just not happening here in India…we are in the process of relocationg ourselves to an European country! so I guess atleast there it should work for me!
NP: good luck with the relocation. yeah, I’ve heard the europeans are more sensible regarding maternity plans
so that’s why you’ve been missing
ugh, wp ate up the rest of my comment! i hope it’s all sorted out soon babe. hang in there, the answer will come. if not, ask the Wiki.
the Wiki knows the everything.
LOL
NP: Wiki says “There is no page titled blahness”.
I think I commented about this once before, too. Anywhoo, I’m in the same boat – once the family is fed and cajoled to go to sleep (and P sleeps really really late), I start working and carry on till 4-4:30 in the am. Then fall asleep only to be awakened 10 mins. later by a kid who wants to play. If you want to see a zombie up close, all you have to do is visit me in the morning. It’s tough, but I continue to do it because I know that the people/companies who are giving me assignments aren’t doing it out of the goodness of their hearts, they’re doing it because I’m damned good at what I do. There is no charity or patronizing involved here. Though you are in IT, I believe that your company has agreed to this part-time arrangement because they value the work you do, and not because they’re treating you as the good deed of the day. Hang in there and things will fall into a routine.
NP: Thanks so much for your positive comment. It means a lot coming from someone who’s in the trenches. Although zombified coding has made my work quality suffer drastically
Truly heartening to read MM’s comment. Thats true NP. Hire someone who’ll do the rest of the things for you like cooking and cleaning etc. That way time spent on those chores, however meagre can be used either for work, when nibbles is sleeping, or for spending time with nibbles.
But don’t give up without exhausting your options. And hey, everyone has bad days, wohm, sahm, wahm…
Don’t let those bad days take away from what you’re gaining out of this, time spent with nibbles that can never be gotten back, a resume that won’t have a child sized hole, and some money to warm the pocket!
NP: True that. I wouldn’t trade my time with Nibbles for anything else. And I agree, everyone has bad days – WOHMs, SAHMs – but I do feel that WAHMs get to bitch less because they do have a bit of everything. As for hiring help – too expensive and weird for me.
Aww, that’s terrible. But you’re going to question what you do no matter what you decide – SAHM, WOHM or WAHM there is no guilt free way. Try and remain positive about what you *do* have. At the same time, if you feel like just can’t tak eit anymore – don’t be afraid to follow your heart.
I’m sorry you guys are battling so much illness. I think the heat is getting to us too. I hope you feel better.
“…It was bad enough for me to pursue the wrong major…” Et tu, Brutus ?
NP: Feeling great. Wish I could say the same for my project.
Priya.
i have come back to this post thrice to comment. and then i go off without a comment.
you will find your groove…or maybe this is the groove you have found. is the midnight work giving you a rush? or is it you keeping your foot in the door? if its the former, then the lack of sleep etc will be a thing of the past soon. if its the latter, dont bother – soon you will be back on top of things howling and crowing with the testosteroned pack! and sending them scurrying into corners.
NP: Foot in the door is more like it. I do get a silly high when I receive empty praise for a job well done, so that can contribute to that rush factor – except, I tend to get the job barely done these days.
Think someone already said it but though you may not be ready to hand over the baby to anybody yet, I am sure you are not overly attached to the household chores – why not delegate that to some sort of paid help?
NP: I know I should, especially since my stubborness has exhausted not just me, but also Big Byte – and he didn’t really ask for this (my WAHM do it all thing). Hired help is rather expensive here, so I’d feel guilty, especially working part-time. Also, I’m not used to having hired help around the house, so it feels quite awkward. We order food a lot though and that helps reduce the chores (but increases guilt for being a lousy homemaker. ugh. I don’t like that word).
aargh. been there. done that. realised i had a finger in every pie and was making a hash of everything. i delegated the housework and now the kids and work are mine.